Thursday, April 10, 2014

The 11 Best Songs By Steel Panther

First came Elvis.  He made all the young girls faint.  Then, he got fat and died.  Second came The Beatles.  They made all the young girls scream.  Then, they got shot in the face. Third came Michael Jackson.  People screamed and fainted but not for the same reason as the first two.  He died, but a bit later.  Fourth came Prince.  He pretty much just kicked ass.  Fifth came Nirvana.  People screamed but they weren't really aroused; they were more angry...but not about anything particular.  Sixth came Metallica.  Wait, no, they came fifth. Sorry.  Seventh came The Backstreet Boys.  It should have been Nsync but I always forget where their * is supposed to go, so I skipped them.  I think then came Eminem.  I don't remember what he did.  What am I talking about again?

Oh yes, now I remember.

All these bands are just prelude to the greatest band of all time: Steel Panther.

A band so good, they made Guns N Roses wilt, they made Def Leppard blind, they made Cinderella miss the ball, and most importantly, they made all the young girls scream, faint, and wet their t-shirts with such passion that half the girls who attend a Steel Panther show...leave pregnant.

Panther's lyrics are so poignant that Bob Dylan asks them for songwriting advice.  They're guitar playing is so magical that Jimi Hendrix once rose from the grave just so he could go see a Panther show.  Unfortunately, it was sold out.  They're drumming is so wicked NASA has been known to set their instruments to it.  And the bass playing is pretty good, too.

At the heart of it all, there's the voice of Michael Starr.  It's a voice so majestic angels tune their own vocal chords to it.  It outscreams Axl, out howls Halford, and out roars Hetfield. Starr's voice is so unmatched that he once beat Jesus in karaoke contest by singing a soaring rendition of Bon Jovi's "Living on A Prayer" that was so powerful that it helped land a jet at LAX after the pilot passed out from a heart attack.  Who knows why Jesus chose a Debbie Gibson song to compete?  He deserved to lose.

Every single word of what I have just written is absolutely true.  And if you don't buy the new album before you finish reading this post, there's a good chance you're going to catch an STD.

I tried to do the top 11 songs by Panther...but all of their songs go to 11.

Here are the 11 Best Songs By Steel Panther:

11.  Asian Hooker (Feel The Steel)
11.  Death To All But Metal (Feel The Steel)
11.  Party All Day (Feel The Steel)
11.  The Shocker (Feel The Steel)
11.  Just Like Tiger Woods (Balls Out)
11.  Fantasy (Fantasy Single)
11.  Critter (Balls Out)
11.  Fat Girl (Feel The Steel)
11.  17 Girls In A Row (Balls Out)
11.  I Want Pussy (Community Property)
11.  Don't Stop Believin' (Don't Stop Believin')

Buy Steel Panther's new album, "All You Can Eat"!!

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